My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?
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Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.
Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.
Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?
My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
Lmfao
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
Best seat on the street 😍
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
Me: You sound like a broken record.
12:
Me: *sigh* You sound like a corrupted digital audio file.
12: Oh. Gotcha. Thanks for translating from ancient Sumerian to English.
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.