COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
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A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.
“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment
super villain: no
contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming
Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*
Him: So tell me something about yourself.
Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.
Him: What?
Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking
“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”