“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
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Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?
Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon
Him: you mean secret ingredient?
*catapult launching sound*
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
Story of my life…..
My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
incredible
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
him: lol
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined