[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
You Might Also Like
The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.
If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose
Me:
Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for everSaying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
What do you hear?
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.