Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
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I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
Dolls on drugs
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
This will never not be funny to me.
I used to be scared upon waking in the middle of the night, but after raising two babies and seeing all hours of the clock, I’ve learned that the only thing that is truly frightening is hearing the word “Mom” whisper-screamed into my ear.
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000
Papa John:
Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes
Papa John: And that’s…
Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas
I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?
“Shit… Was it the treason?”
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.