Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
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I may be small, but so is a grenade.
I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
Just got to our Airbnb!
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.
I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.