You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
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*all the animals gathered around Adam*
Lion: Tell us again how you named us
Deer: Yes tell us tell us!
Adam: Well I-
Lumpsucker fish: boooo
Adam: I just-
Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
History fun fact:
In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.
I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?
Me: I saw the sign
F: …
Me: And it opened up my eyes
F: Oh no.
Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
Me: “I need big girl clothes.”
Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”
Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”
Him: “Does the couch pull out?”
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
HOW TO BE A LAWYER:
Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?
me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.
If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.
Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
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He won’t go near the crypt tonight.
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.