On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
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BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
Me: Your sandwiches are ready
16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*
Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten
16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.