Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.
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Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?
🐕🍷
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!
TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??
I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert
If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse