DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?
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Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
How do horror writers compete with current events?
I believe that there is a radio station called WPMN, Worst Possible Music Network, and they are always playing it in the locker room at my gym.
Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!
My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.
“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.
me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?
waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way
kids: YAAAAY!!!
me: thanks, bro
5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”
We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go
‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.