Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
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No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
good let them take over I have had enough
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
That earthquake could have been an email.
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
when nothing goes right… go left
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
i think my razor is having a panic attack
eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
Husband: so are we self isolating now?
Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!
3yo: I need you to fix this.
Me: Listen, I got my own problems. You fix it.
3yo: Listen, you got my problems and your problems.
Me: Actually that’s very accurate. Give me your toy. I’ll fix it.
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys