Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
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I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.
Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:
“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
*power walks to the refrigerator*
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
Finally!
men what’s stopping you from looking like this
A work from home email:
Dear mom,
Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.
Best,
Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
[How the rap feud started]
Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b’day party?
2pac: sure, no biggie
Biggie[eavesdropping]: [wipes tears]
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?