I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
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an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
[Budapest airport]
IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?
ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.
5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
Watching a group of 11 children try to work as a group to solve a puzzle really helps you understand why international diplomacy is so flawed.
ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds