Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
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I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.
Me: Clive? What’s he done?
Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-
Me: What is going on?
Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
There are no pants in heaven.
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.