Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
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I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…
Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*
MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?
ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.
I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!
She laughed. I laughed.
Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.
“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”
Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.
My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
emergency phone
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.