a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
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[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
Facebook marketplace is a different world
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that
[wedding day]
fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer
me: but he’s my best friend
[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but