Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*My neighbor: Good Morning!
Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?
You Might Also Like
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.
ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
When customers come in 6 hours before closing
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.
Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.
my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…
Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?
TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?
RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]
customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too
me: he’s not on the menu
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]
Me: It’s muggy out there.
Guy: I’ll be fine.
*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.
M: Told you.
Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.
*Unfrenches your fries*
getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years