Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
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Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
Meow
[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.
The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement
Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.
Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?