the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty
You Might Also Like
Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
Feels
“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them
Me when someone tries to get to know me
[first 2 hours of meeting]
Coworker:
[last 2 minutes of meeting]
Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
At first I thought my daughter was sick because she was sluggish and laid on the couch on her phone all day, but then I realized those were just symptoms of day 4 of Christmas break.
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
Whisper out to librarians!
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
“Bit windy”
I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
Friend: So, how did you two meet?
Husband: In a bar.
Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…