Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
You Might Also Like
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.
I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
“our sushi is very fresh”
Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
Life with a cat in one tweet
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)