WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock
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The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire
Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Prof:
Me: it took him a couple bytes
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.
My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.
Kids: Where?
Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.
Kids: WHERE!
Me: He’s picking up our car.
Kids: WHERE?!?
Me: He’s hurling us through the air.
Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?
“Shit… Was it the treason?”
I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?
Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?
Him: Not funny.