Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
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To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
[Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Picard: Why are they firing at us?
Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow
There is nothing special about tomorrow
But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.
when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
YI:
Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral