Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
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Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris
science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don’t know who i am lmao]
me: ok
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.
DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.
He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.
THIS.
MOTHER.
FUCKER.
DOES.
NOT.
CARE.
HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.
Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”