Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.
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I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
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Squash
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me:
I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.
1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
boss: we have to let you go
me: why
boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing
me: em…
boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good
me: see!
boss: ok you can stay
me: *under my breath* a
At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
[ Police interrogation room ]
Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.
Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.
Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.
Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.