do what now??
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According to math, I’m broke
Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.
5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!
Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!
Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down
How about I get 100% off by already being there
The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.
[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions
Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?
GF: What?
M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.
GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.
[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind
Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese
Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
This is painfully accurate 😅
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
I may be small, but so is a grenade.
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
Horrifying if literal: foot locker