I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
You Might Also Like
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*
Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
No one:
My kid: Mumma, you don’t have to worry about what happened in the kitchen.
Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there