[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
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Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me:
Mother Goose:
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory
As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
The Book. The Movie.
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.
I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.