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The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7
if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”
[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day
Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*rulerSchool supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggiesApparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s
I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…