Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
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me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
OKAY DAD
pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe
putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”
Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu
Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that