“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
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“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
Dog: I am more loyal, intelligent, and social
Cat:
Dog: I am faster, stronger, and more dangerous
Cat:
*power goes out*
Dog: *panics and runs directly into the wall in the dark, knocking himself out cold*
Cat: you were saying
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.
Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE
A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.
“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand
I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.