date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
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People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
*unsubscribes from newsletter*
*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*
*receives email confirming that I received confirmation that I unsubscribed from newsletter*
Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
no one likes gloating
[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.