I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.
You Might Also Like
Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
A minute, 45 seconds.
How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.