Broom by every window for quick escape.
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Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
911: 911, whats your emergency?
Man: a guy got hit by a car. He needs an ambulance.
911: what’s your location?
Man: I’m on eucalyptus st.
911: can you spell that for me?
Man: (pause)
911: Sir?
Man: I’m gonna drag him over to First ave & call you back
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.
liiiiiiiiike
Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”-Inventing the bread bowl
{batman walking downstairs}
“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”
[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
If snakes were wide
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me:
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…