“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
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What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.
I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
Good point.
HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: oh no
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?