WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
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“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.
flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?
dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you
me: not now, dad
dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?
me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn
dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps
We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?
Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.
my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?
my heart: yes and also start eating better?
my brian: do whta yuo liek.
me: love you, brian.
Me sliding into hell like
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
Congrats, YouTube. the algorithm really nailed my 10 year-old with ads for boxed wine, divorce attorneys and the swiffer wet jet
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!
Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!
DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*
“Some people call me the space cowboy”
*leans in*
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup