this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
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If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m stupid
“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”
HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?
I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed
I’m not stressed
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets
Music – rock band
Jehovah’s Witness – knock band
Boats – dock band
Lip synched – mock band
Athletes – jock band
Safe cracker – lock band
Puppet – sock band
Clock maker – tock band
Chicken – b’gok band
Rooster – cock band
walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.