This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
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Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
coming home late…
Me: Hey babe. What’s for dinner?
Her: Where the hell have you been?
Me: Didn’t we have that last night?
Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.