since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
You Might Also Like
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y’all can fight it out over who i’ve disappointed most urgently, i’ll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex
woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?
If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
*friends describing me on Dateline*
She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.
boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS