Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
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I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.
*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.