me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
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Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
Him: What’s wrong with the dog?
Me: Vet thinks he ate bird poo.
Him: What kind of bird poo?
Me: Idk…a duck, a cardinal, a pterodactyl…does it matter?
Him: You and I both know that if our dog ate pterodactyl poo it ABSOLUTELY DOES matter…
Me:
Him: (whispers) It does matter.
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
Friends that check up on you >
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn’t answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.