Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
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Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*
ME: I worked at a zoo for a while
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories
I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
Why be content with those 3 little words when you can have 6.
“Your parcel is out for delivery.”
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
I miss this era type of pranks😭
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost