ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
You Might Also Like
You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?
Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁
You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..
#CancelDJDarrellRipley
Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.
Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.
FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—
Me: 8PM.
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
“What’s this?”
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
lol
3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?