Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
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The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
Wishing a much deserved truly blessed day to my Instacart shopper who just told me she’s EGGCITED to get started on my order and for me to ROMAINE calm in case any items are out of stock, absolutely masterful, no notes
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —
I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.
Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
A dad and his duck
4yo: fold me like a towel
Me: what?
4yo: FOLD ME
Me: okaaay
4yo: stack me on top of the towels
Me: what?
4yo: STACK ME
Parenthood is wild
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
having children is a pyramid scheme.
Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.
Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.
Twitter is like:
funny joke
funny joke
funny joke
HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE
funny joke
funny joke
angry guy who didn’t get the joke