I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
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Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Me: ok
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.
Sup?
[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body