All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.
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Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it
Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
With this onion ring, I thee fed
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*
*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.