My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
You Might Also Like
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”
This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”
So I killed him…
If he comes back…He wins the argument
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect
Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird
T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first