If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
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Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”
Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”Translation: They’re staring straight at me.
Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.