I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
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Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better
[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?
Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.
H: Which episode?
M: The one with the dance contest.
H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….
Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel
*the night I met my spouse*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background
I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.
Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.
[at bank]
*slides teller a note*Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
My dating profile:
I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet