I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
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<door bell>
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.
I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboyOn a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horseI:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘rideI’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive
Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*
My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”
wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly
Enter a cafe. Ask to see the menu. Say, Have you got anything a mouse would like? When they say No, whisper into your sleeve & leave.
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.