Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
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If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.
guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.
a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”
CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news
wife: [crying]
me: that’s a spicy meatball
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
[Fancy Restaurant]
Host: May I take the lady’s coat?
Me: Please.
Host: And yours sir?
Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.